lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
