from now on my penis is your penis
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
