i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
