Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
