The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's never too late to be topless.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
