Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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