I'm gonna have a badass scar
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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