What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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