don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I can't put those talents on a resume
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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