I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
