I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
