ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize