if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
