so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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