can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize