I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
