I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
