from now on my penis is your penis
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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