My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
