Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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