hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just puked most of my soul out..
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