Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
