this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We left the knife in your bed.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
