Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
