She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
