so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
