just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
