nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
