I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
