i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
