Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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