Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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