I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
