If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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