then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
