last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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