I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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