Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
