Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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