Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
