So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
