and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
