You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
