So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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