my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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