How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
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