last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
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