I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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