girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
