I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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