Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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