i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
