Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
