Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
