Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I will be naked everywhere
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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