I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
