I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
