I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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