guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
