Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
