so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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