She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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